Silence & Noise

I Just Realized Spring was Official a Week Ago.

And although it doesn’t feel like the appropriate weather has settled into what everyone thinks it should be, my mind is in summer mode. Buying shorts, keeping my sweaters neatly hung and hiding my warm duvet in a vaccuum bag.

Summer Plans;

-  Beach Volley Ball

- Rock Climbing

- Barbeque Picnic

-Niagara on the Lake (no not niagara, shopping central, casino & tourist site. Niagara on the Lake)

- Sports Game

- The Rom (never been)

- Cottaging

- Skinny Dipping? lol 

I need my Vitamin D. 

“Hey I heard you were a wild one”

Today I realized the things I do on a daily basis.  Absolute inconsistancy. It’s absurd. It’s refreshing and unnerving at the same time. That coupled with the fact that the sun is out makes me think that there’s all the more reason for a stimulating summer.  I mean physically, mentally and emotionally. These things can be positive or negaitive but I guess anything goes. & it scares me to a point that it’s as if you’re being consumed with a maddening confusion.

Today while I was sitting at Swiss Chalet with my cousin*, she asked me how I feel..  In general about life: WORK, FRIENDS, HEALTH, & LOVE. Okay I’m going to stop writing in caps, it’s distracting from all the other texts. In response, I related it to being like drinking lots and lots of energy drinks and having your body feel so tired but wired.  Actually, that’s been my choice of description when I reflect on what I’ve truly been feeling lately. 

But it all doesn’t matter because my first instinct is to do, rather then riddle myself with angst and reflection. I’ve only really overanalyzed my concerns today, cutting my quarter chicken dinner and failing to eat the meat off of the bone.  I hate seeing the veins— I stop there because I feel like I’ve gone too deep. In life you need to know where the veins are. And know when to stop before you’ve reached a point beyond repair.

I asked God to protect me from my enemies and I started losing friends.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go 
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know…

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like I’m still sleeping. I feel like all the colors and shapes in the world have collided and all I can do is just sit there and watch. I think a person’s heart has a way of turning off when it can’t find reason. I guess that’s why nature has always had an inspiring presence. Everything follows a purpose. I guess we’re missing something. Why do we struggle to breathe a more righteous breath when we all end up in the same place. I’d like to hope our history is worth remembering. An imprint of careful design, a feeling of heartfelt purpose, and a sense of hope for something bigger than ourselves. Then, maybe I’ll wake up.

I feel life makes my dreams so unrealistic.  And as I grow older I feel as if I’m drifting away from my dreams.   

The only way to make your dreams come true

is to wake up.

Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
That we’ll have each other’s backs, ‘cause we’re that lucky

the worst pain for a female is when she smiles, just to keep the tears from falling and sleeps just so she doesn’t have to think about it.